How do you treat yourself? Are you perhaps too hard on yourself? Are you pushing yourself to do more, better and faster? Do you often hear a disapproving voice in your head that is a bit angry and negative towards you?
Self-criticism creates negative emotions and energy. With this you can cause or aggravate stress. Moreover, that voice often ensures that you continue to hold on to a stressed and tiring life.
Self-compassion means looking at yourself kindly, compassionately, without judgment, precisely at times when you are struggling or blundering. Most people are harder on themselves than on others, according to American researcher Kristin Neff of Texas University. But why should you have compassion for others and not yourself? That's what self-compassion is all about.
According to Neff, self-compassion has its roots in Buddhism. Whereas Western psychology is mainly based on the uniqueness of the individual, Buddhism pays much more attention to what connects people. By not feeling compassion for yourself and for others, you create an artificial distinction between yourself and others.
Self-compassion has 3 elements:
Kindness:
“Self-kindness” means that you are gentle with yourself when you fail or feel you fall short. Not everything can go perfectly and you will make mistakes in your life anyway. Self-criticism (that little voice that just wants to comment) leads to more stress.
Connectivity:
“common humanity” is the realization that you are not alone. When things don't go the way you want, it is often accompanied by a feeling of isolation. People develop tunnel vision when they feel bad. Those who have self-compassion recognize that suffering and failure are part of being human: it happens to all of us. In your failure, you are not alone but truely connected with other people.
Mindfulness:
You cannot feel compassion if you ignore your pain. But you shouldn't let yourself be absorbed by your feelings either. You watch them with attention, and stay in the here and now.
Self-compassion also means being good to yourself in the long run. This doesn't mean, for example, that you never have to exercise again or that you can hang out on the couch every evening with a bowl of ice cream.
Do you struggle with self-criticism and a negative self-image? You can practice self-compassion. By practicing self-compassion little by little, it slowly but surely becomes a familiar part of yourself.
Observe negative self-talk and turn it around.
Ask yourself: ”What advice would I give my best friends in this situation?”
Do this more and more in small -and at- simple moments. You will often relapse into negativity. But every time you do succeed, you are training your self-compassion.
