Ihad so much anger, fear, and shame. I felt no one really liked me, and I could tell that many people thought I behaved self-righteously. I didn't even like myself.
    I was in so much pain that it was too much to bear— so I decided I'm done, I'm finished, I'd better get help for myself.

	I thought I knew G-d. I thought I was a religious person. However, I didn't know what was wrong with my relationship with my Creator.

    Still, I did nothing. But then, I was devastated to find out that my husband had an addiction. At the time, I was married eight years. I had four children and another on the way. So I asked myself, "What is my problem? What is wrong with me that he has this addiction? What did I do that I deserved this?"
    I was furious at the G-d of my understanding.
    I thought I knew G-d. I thought I was a religious person. However, I didn't know what was wrong with my relationship with my Creator.
    I saw an email about a Twelve Step program that looked perfect for me, but I was too afraid to go to a meeting. So instead, my husband and I watched a movie about the Twelve Step pioneers, Bill W., and Lois, his wife. 
    Watching Bill W.'s story, I saw the disease in action, how he recovered from it, and how he could only maintain his recovery by working with people.
    Right away, I decided, "I want that!" It looked like recovery did not take very long to get, and I knew that I wanted it.

	I thought that I would be embarrassed by how I was living. Going to that meeting was the start of my recovery.

    So how could I get it?
    I started reading books by a Rabbi. He wrote that after observing how the Twelve Step program had worked for his clients, he decided to see for himself how the program works. He started going to meetings and never stopped for 40 years. He did this, although he came from a healthy home and did not have any addictions. He wrote that if someone wants to get help with their character development, the Twelve Step programs are the way to go. I knew that I wanted the recovery he wrote about.
   I was very ashamed. Therefore, it wasn't until I felt that I was truly powerless over my life and could not manage on my own that I finally went to my first Twelve Step meeting. It was not far from my house. I was shaking from fear that people I knew would be there. I thought that I would be embarrassed by how I was living. Going to that meeting was the start of my recovery.

(This story continues in the next section of this newsletter.)

After attending those meetings for a while, I felt better just knowing that I wasn't alone. However, I was a long way from feeling recovered in the way that the movie had depicted Bill W. or the way that the Rabbi had described.
    I was very confused by the Twelve Step program I was attending. It seemed like no one was really recovering. More than anything, I wanted to know, "How can I recover?" The people in that group said, "You have to get a sponsor." So I asked someone I liked if she would be my sponsor. She told me that it took three years before she finally knew to ask for a sponsor. Since I had asked after only three weeks, I guessed I was doing pretty well. However, I was shocked that it would take years for me to recover. That didn't make any sense to me; something about this seemed off!

	...I felt better just knowing that I wasn't alone. However, I was a long way from feeling recovered...

    I asked a long-time member, "Are you recovered?" She answered, "Just so you know; you will never recover if you don't stay in these rooms. You need to keep coming to meetings." I couldn't believe it; it couldn't be true!
    I kept going to the meetings, even taking my youngest children with me at times. However, after I had given birth, while I still had a toddler in the house, it became too much for the group and me to deal with. Therefore, I had to stop going to those meetings.
    However, I still tried to keep working the steps with my sponsor. She took me through Steps One, Two, and Three. I felt that I was on a high— I was living every day with G-d— until I came to Step Four. I couldn't do what she said to do; it was too hard for me. After a year of not getting through Step Four, I began to realize that this was not the program I wanted.
    By going through the first three steps, I came to realize that my real Higher Power was not the G-d I had known before. Instead, He was an unconditional loving Creator who only desires what is best for me. That realization put me on a straighter path to recovery. So, I asked my Creator, "How do I get what Bill W. had?"
    I then read a book about the good and bad points of the Twelve Step program that I was attending. The book said that my problem was not an addiction. It was a response to the situation I had been placed in as a child. My problem was my way of life, and I never knew how to be any other way. So then, I asked with my whole heart, "Please help me to recover. I want to be better!"
    The next time I could go to a meeting of the fellowship near my house was months later. One of the members talked about her experience in Recoveries Anonymous. She said she had heard people in R.A. say they had actually recovered. She shared that she herself had felt the results of working the R.A. program right away. That meeting soon held a group conscience vote and decided to try the R.A. program for one month. This has now happily turned into years of people finding recovery by working the Twelve Steps in R.A.

After a year of not getting through Step Four, I began to realize that this was not the program I wanted.

    I was shocked and amazed at how my Higher Power had answered my prayers so quickly. I wanted to recover, and now I had found a program that would show me HOW! In R.A., they presented me with the way I could fully follow the pioneers' original "clear-cut directions" for working all Twelve Steps. That was just my style!
    I was on fire about it, totally consumed. I started to go through R.A.'s Step Presentation. Finishing the process took me longer than I would have liked, but I learned that recovery happens in G-d's time, not mine.
   While I was following the pioneers' original "clear-cut directions" to work the Twelve Step program, my husband had a mental breakdown. I became a single mother of five children. I had no help or support of any kind from my husband. I had to juggle the kids, work, house, bills, and shopping all on my own. I made sure to make time for working the R.A. program, even at 2 a.m. I made appointments with my R.A. Sponsor and R.A. Secondary Sponsors (yes, more than one) who lived abroad. That is how I completed my journey to recovery in R.A.

(This story continues in the next section of this newsletter.)

Icame to understand that the twelve recovery steps were like the steps in baking a cake. Each step is essential if the cake is to come out well, but most of the steps do not need to be done in any particular order.
    I felt especially blessed to receive the Eleventh Step. It is one of the most important steps for maintaining my recovery. However, this was the step that really shook my soul. I practice the Eleventh Step by reading the "Daily Quiet Time" page that is in R.A.'s Newcomer Guide.

	[The Eleventh Step] is one of the most important steps for maintaining my recovery. This was the step that really shook my soul.

    I also came to understand that things are not necessarily black or white. I learned that sometimes I might have to turn right first before I could turn left. This was another realization that really changed my life. Finally, after six months of working intensely through Steps One, Two, Three, and Four, I got to my pink cloud.
    I especially loved Step Five, which is based on "pocketing my pride." Then, I moved on with Steps Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine. I could not believe that things could ever get better. However, as I completed each step, things continued to improve day by day.
    The Twelfth Step, working with people, is my joy. In R.A., I have learned that I need to place the welfare of others ahead of my own. However, I now understand that I also need to be there for myself because no one will be there for me if I do not maintain my recovery. Therefore, despite my full schedule, I try to continuously ask my Creator, "Does it hurt myself or others for me to know that the first person that I need to be there for is myself?"
    Thanks to R.A., I have learned that if I don't continue working Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve, I won't be able to get back to that pink cloud again. But, as long as I maintain my fit spiritual condition by intensive work and self-sacrifice for others, my recovery will always be with me. It will be permanent.
    I now understand that the R.A. program is about progress, not perfection. Having a "permanent recovery" doesn't mean that I won't still act like a human being and make mistakes. When this happens, I ask G-d what to do. The correct answers always come.
    I'm starting to have real friendships. People like me more. They say that I glow, and they want to be my friend. I am trying to give back what was given to me. It took me time to remember to start newcomers with R.A.'s Highlighting Introduction. Then, by G-d's grace, they will decide if R.A.'s program is for them or not. I now know that G-d is watching out for every single person and object in a way that is perfect for each one. I just have to serve as G-d's agent.

I am truly indebted to the King of Kings who helped me see how to recover, and who inspired me to never give up!

    Today, I am grateful to my children's father for his disease. I now understand that if he hadn't been sick, I wouldn't have gotten better. I was so full of lies that I had no idea of the truth. I was in a state of DENIAL— I Didn't Even kNow I wAs Lying— about him and about me. 
    I am truly blessed and grateful to have recovered by G-d's grace through R.A.'s Twelve Step program of recovery. I have been teaching my kids what I learned from R.A.'s program. They are happy, confident children. They have also recovered thanks to the R.A. program. I am truly indebted to the King of Kings, who helped me see how to recover, and who inspired me never to give up!
    Hashem has shown me the light at the end of the tunnel and has held me the whole way through.

R.A.’s “How To Begin…” Guides
To find out more about our Twelve Step Fellowship, and how you can get started working the Twelve Steps of our Solution Focused Program of Recovery, we suggest that you visit our website and Download R.A.'s free "How To Begin…" guides. This includes the blue R.A.'s Newcomer Guide, and the brown "R.A.'s Meetings Guide."

R.A.’s Solution Focused Books
    Move up to the next step in your search for recovery by downloading and reading the PDF versions of R.A.'s Solution Focused Books. We do not charge for the PDF versions of our books. Instead, we give the passwords needed to open our books to thank those who support our efforts to help others. You can show your support by making a small, one time, tax-free contribution to R.A., or, if you truly cannot afford to make a contribution at this time, by filling out our Feedback Form.
    If you are reading this, you have probably spent a lot of time and energy trying things that did not work out the way you hoped they would. Doesn't it make sense to invest a little more time and energy in this time-proven method of finding the recovery you've been seeking? As the pioneers promise in the Multilith Big Book: ''It works—it really does. Try it.''

R.A. Is Self-supporting
If R.A. has helped you, please consider making a contribution in support of our efforts to help others.

Recoveries Anonymous
For more information about Recoveries Anonymous visit our website at www.R-A.org