The Weekly Hash Headlines from Newcastle Hash House Harriers
Leap Year Hash - written by roving reporter Babe Magnet
Hash R*n 1330 – Bonus Bissextile Hash
The Bacchus, High Bridge Street
Hares – LHJ and Dyson
On the promise of a free hot meal, hashers appeared out of the woodwork for LHJ’s first hare since r*n 1228. Rumours were flying around that he only hares every four years, but your ever statistically-informed RA and stand-in roving reporter in the field can confirm that he did in-fact last hare in June 2014. This data is quantitatively compliant with UKAA, UKBA, CAMRA, UN and NASA guidelines.
A healthy number of NH3’s of varying ages, ailments, speed and lung-capacity gathered in the alcove of the Bacchus, and as the clock struck 7pm, On-Out was duly called by the hare (“Point of Order!”). The pack left the Underworld King-Pin ‘Car-Crash’ Hopper and her lovely assistant Malcolm in charge of the bags (including Woof Woof’s life savings of cold hard cash) and scattered off into the night.
Some of you may have noticed my deteriorating health over the last few years months weeks, and were it not for the vast amounts of holding checks throughout the course, I may well still be on the trail now. Luckily, we hit a holding check a mere 100 meters in, and I attempted to catch my breath as the Front R*nning Bast*rds such as InnConts and Pimp did the checking. A trail was located and the pack gallivanted around the back of St. Nick’s Cathedral and hair-pin turned through the Castle Keep. The front r*nners were nearly caught short as they missed a chalked-arrow, but a little clue from the hare kept the pack on track.
A loop around the back of Central Station and through several back allies (amongst which Omm seemed to feel overly comfortable…) brought Team Hash to the edge of Times Square (not in NYC) and as Pimp and InnConts dipped an experimental toe into the pink triangle, the others stayed safe and headed back North towards Stowell Street. A turn down Dispensary Lane emerged the pack outside Blackfriars Restaurant (#MiddleClassDining), where Let’s Do It’s undercover attempt at being posh was thwarted by Knickerless abruptly dropping trow and revealing his behind (who luckily for the patrons, was not dressed as his name implies).
A short gallop along Nun Street and Market Street led the thirsty, hungry, oxygen-requiring hashers back to the On-Inn to complete a trail of under 2 miles in just over 30 minutes. Slippy was quoted as saying this was the “best day of his life, but don’t tell NG”.
We returned to the Bacchus to find a pile of bloodstained dead bodies and Grasshopper stood over them with an evil glint in her eye, stroking a white cat and drinking a martini. It appears the staff had tried to infiltrate the ‘Hash’ room and Grasshopper had acted in the only way she knew how – gang warfare. When questioned by the police later that evening, your reporter can confirm that Malcolm (currently being held in Guantanamo Bay for ‘Crimes against Humanity’) was quoted saying:
“they just came over and tried to take the room. Grasshopper stood there smiling and then seemed to flip – it was like the opening beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. When the Assistant Manager asked what would happen if they continued to try and take the room, she replied with “If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you possibly imagine” before withdrawing a
light-saber and chopping off his hand. When the police negotiators arrived and tried to talk her down, she started laughing uncontrollably, exclaiming “If you don’t leave me along, I’ll get angry – and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. This pub will be like the 2007 Daniel Day-Lewis Oscar Winning film ‘There Will Be Blood’”. It was a scary evening but I’m just glad I’m safe now”.
Malcolm, Monday 29th February 2016, 11.43pm
Once all the commotion calmed down and we retrieved the room, a circle was conducted and admonishments were handed out to LHJ and Dyson for haring so terribly (too long, too central, not enough beer stops etc….). Late-cummers RectumandFishFlaps (one word) were drinking alcohol for the first time since January, so were duly mocked for their will-power and abstinence, and a private party was called upon for interrupting the peace. The circle was closed, and the pack wondered over the road to Dabbawal Indian Street Food Restaurant for an all-inclusive meal paid for by the hash – any excellent gesture for which we are all no doubt very grateful for.
Thank you to the hares for a great trail, the pack for a great r*n, the Hash Cash for the funding and a huge thank you to Woof Woof for organising the evening. Here’s to the next one on – a mere 1458 days away.
Until this evening, OnOn
Number of r*n since LHJ’s last hare – 102 (which ironically is his age)
Distance recorded on Garmin ™ (other brands available) – 1.80 miles
Holy buildings passed – 2
Inhaler puffs taken – 4
Pub stayers - 3
Late-cummers – 4 (Hash Sab didn’t even make the circle but appeared just in time for the poppadum’s – convenient……)
Dead bodies – 0 (the above story is fictional)
Pomegranate allergies – 0
Tables moved to allow bladder relief – 4
Days to next Leap Year Hash – 1458
Chefs Special Menu enjoyed by - 10
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