The Weekly Hash Headlines from Newcastle Hash House Harriers
The Earl of Pitt Street, Newcastle
Hare - Misled
The newly revamped Earl of Pitt Street was the venue for the latest hash adventure. The interior, described as “Alfred Hitchcock meets Vivienne Westwood inspired décor” is a far cry from its previous incarnation of The Greyhound where it enjoyed a somewhat more dubious reputation.
A selection of some of those ‘dubious ‘characters appeared before the 7pm kickoff, notably Ollie ‘The Tripwire’ Hound and Nasty ‘Knickerless’ Bollocks who headed up the notorious Hellraiser gang of the 90’s. Other local notorieties to be found lurking in the dark corners of the pub were Phil The Pimp, Woofers’ The Enforcer’ Lamb and The Doctor (aka Slippery When Wet).
A screech of tyres heralded the arrival of the Yorkshire contingent whose Sat Nav had taken them via the mean streets of Wallsend.
When trouble threatened, the hare Misled, Mobwife to Hash ‘The Slasher’ Sab gathered all the offending articles outside – “There had better not be any trouble tonight ladies” she snarled with a steely glint in her eyes “I’ll be watching your’ all like a hawk – now git movin”.
The gang set off, pounding the pavements into submissions with their fearsome footwear, arrayed with a vast weaponry of heavy torches, oversized bumbags and fleecy winter gloves ( it was a chilly night after all).
An eye dazzling beam appeared behind the group at the first check . Shielding their eyes from the glare, the gang discovered Gandalf ‘The Wizard’, jogging in behind. Having misplaced his car keys, he had hijacked a bus and forced the driver to drop him off outside the pub, missing the gang by seconds. “Are ye lookin at me like how” ? he challenged the onlooking group, who hastily moved on into the night.
A few street urchins attempted to run alongside the gang mid route but desisted away after Pop ‘The Godfather’ Robson threatened to remove their fingernails with a hammer.
A liquid refreshment stop provided early on by The Tea Lady of Fenham was much admired, a figure of legend within the hash, this particular individual was known for drowning all her victims in giant vats of tea.
Meanwhile at the other end of town, Babe (Babyface) Magnet and Mary Poppins aka The Wrestler sampled the pastry selection near Central station before being arrested for a double homicide in Greggs where Mary Poppins had been sold a cold pastie ( much to her disgust).
After dispatching with Fenham, the gang headed off to the Central Motorway – that well known den of iniquity where Grass ‘The CarCrash’ Hopper plied her unsavoury trade. After ascending the tremendous Town Moor hills and wrestling with shiggy conditions they returned across the park where 2 sets of falsies blew their tiny minds - cunningly set by Counterfeit and Malteaser ( a shady duo mainly involved in the forging of chocolate confectionary) but tonight sabbing the running trail. Finally St James hove into view and the gang headed to the Onn Inn for a circle and a beer, before slinking back into underworld of criminal society.
Thanks to the hare for an exciting hash where all participants emerged unscathed
Stats and special notices
Temperature - 0 degrees
Shiggy – Limited to the Town Moor
Shady dealings – Can’t be revealed in this newsletter
Hounds – 1
Falsies – Cunning
Missed Morleys – 1 Missed FRB’s – 2
Crimes committed – Heinous
Pastie temperature – Undesirable
Pub – Fantastic great venue
No. of teapots looking suspiciously like oilcans – 1
No of oilcans posing as teapots – 1
Latecomers - 2
Monday 29th - Leap Year Hash - Bacchus, Newcastle
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