• Finally got Bigger Than Your Box on Pandora. Go make yourself a station!
• Sang at Cornell's Homecoming weekend w/ a 4-woman gospel choir (that was fun!)
• Made a side project with kids! I've been wanting to do for a loooong time (more below)
• Oh...and decided to grow out my afro on my 36th birthday!!! Is that notable?

 

Thanks to all the Pittsburgh parents who lent their kids to me this past weekend! I am very excited to share something out the box and a little different with you in the coming days! Be on the lookout for next month's newseltter and video link!

 

A good friend recently asked me: "Are you who you thought you would be 10 years ago?" There's no short way to answer that question especially b/c I didn't know who I was 10 years ago and I had no context for how to dream about who I wanted to be. I could easily dream about my music, my goals, my hopes to impact people, my next project, but not really who I wanted to be. I knew who i wanted to be but I didn't have any way to get there, because I didn't like myself. And all I wanted was to like myself...and maybe even love myself. I just wanted to stop tearing myself down, second guessing myself, saying yes because i couldn't say no, living passively in my relationships, and all the things that come with the package of not liking yourself.

I don't talk about this stuff much, but it has all gone directly into my music, and if you've follow the last 5 albums (yes, there are 5 even though you only probably think there are only 2) you'll be able to see the progression. It's probably why I've taken the older stuff off iTunes. HAHA!

Everybody is on a journey. Question is whether you are running from something or running towards something. No matter where you go, YOU are there. And you only have a few options: 1. Deal with yourself, take the time to work out the kinks and spend time getting healthy and realizing your intrinsic worth or 2) keep blaming everyone else for your problems and then ditch those relationships in your life b/c those people remind you that you're not perfect and that makes you insecure. Nobody is perfect.

I'm convinced that the only way you can grow is if you let people in your life call you out on your bluff and make you come to terms with the things you've been enabling in your life because of all the lies you've told yourself to convince YOU that nothing is wrong. I praise God for those people in my life who kickstarted that process, Kevin, Angela, Saleem, Ms. Lynette I LOVE YOU!!! I'm also convinced that the only way to avoid conflict is to avoid humans. But then you're often left alone and in conflict with yourself, fighting your demons alone, which is arguably worse.

[p.s. pay attention to the people who tell you the truth, not what you want to hear. Those two things are usually opposites. And if someone is telling you the truth (in love) its b/c they believe in you because they probably see something in you that you don't see in yourself. And they may even have the tools and the care to help you get over yourself and move into your future. ]

back to the story...
Eventually I hit a wall (i think it was right before moving to Philly). My friendships were pretty surfacey, my routines were benign, and I started to realize that all the things I was promising myself I would do one day were never going to happen b/c I didn't want to take risks and because it required hard work. Just to clarify, most of my life has involved work. My parents 'beat' it into us. Do the work, get the grades, get the job. Have money. Bragging rights fo' life! But we never talked about the REAL work - WHOLENESS. Nigerians don't talk about feelings. I laugh to even think of Nigerians sitting in a therapy circle talking about their feelings! Nigerians don't talk about feelings, they talk about their gold medals.

When I snapped (more like imploded by way of anxiety and depression) and realized I had to get out of dodge and start fresh, I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would. So i left Pittsburgh. I moved to Philadelphia knowing that i didn't like the city. In my first year of living here I had a huge realization that my comfort is what had kept me in Pittsburgh for so long. It was easy. Doing anything in Philly took twice as long and I often resented the fact that I traded in ease for never-ending traffic, higher rent, and more expensive everything. I began to consider the idea that most people won't make change in their lives b/c of comfort - even if it doesn't make them happy...because that's what happened to me. Maintaining a 'norm' is very comfortable, not necessarily because it's actually comfortable, but moreso because it's familiar and we often prefer familiarity to change, even if the uncomfortable change will ultimately lead to more joy and happiness in the long run.

Moving to Philly broke something in me...in a good way. Being thrown into several years of unlearning unhealthy coping mechanism wasn't what i wanted but it was exactly what i needed. I kind of felt like a wall that was starting to crack, and with it streams of light were coming in - the transformative power and presence of Christ that pairs love and truth in a way that you don't feel attacked but that you feel cared for. Like a healing balm. And it was reinforced by a community of friends that I am ever grateful for - friends who love and live wholeheartedly and are continually working for growth in their own lives and helping me to grow in mine.

I think I'm rambling at this point...but these last 10 years have given me so many jewels.
At least once a week I have this realization that anything is possible. I mean anything!!! Our reality is quite literally made up of ideas people thought in their minds that they ultimately turned into real tangible things. THAT is an exciting feeling that gives me hope EVERY single day. Anything is possible!!!

If there is one "biggest lesson" I can say I've learned it's that with great risk comes great reward. I know that sounds very superhero-y. It probably is. My paradigm has been single-handedy constructed by superhero movies (for better and for worse) HA! I make no apologies! But nothing good comes without taking a chance, putting yourself on the line, and getting out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes risk leads to major failures and blows you think you'll never return from. But you will. I credit risk-taking and diving into the unknown for who I am today. I praise God for removing the fear of failure - the one that used to paralyzed me. Perfect love cast out all fear and I now know that HE is never going leave me hanging. Risk requires a lot of trust, trust that you won't screw up and that even if you do you're not the sum of all your mistakes and HE won't determine your worth based on how hugely you've failed or succeeded.

So to answer my friends question: I am not who I thought I would be 10 years ago...but I'm grateful for that. I am so glad that I like ME and especially that i LOVE me!

I am so thankful for God's goodness and his patience with me and I pray that he will give me that same patience with others.
Thanks for reading